Why Having Goals Can Destroy Your Life

Does that shock you to hear that having goals can destroy your life? If so, please know that your thinking is normal. After all, we’ve heard one speaker after another talk about the virtues of having a goal, and how we can achieve anything we want if we’ll just set goals. In fact, I’ll bet at some point you’ve even heard about the famous study on goals conducted a Yale years ago.

In this study- a study that was initiated in 1953- researchers surveyed those who were graduating from Yale.  After the survey the researchers found that only 3% of the graduating seniors had clear and specific written goals. 20 years later it was discovered that the 3% that had written goals had accumulated more wealth than the other 97% combined.

Impressive, right? The story is impressive, but you see, there’s one BIG problem with the story: it’s a lie. Yale University Research Associate, Beverly Waters completed an extensive search, digging through Yale records and archives. Her conclusion? The study is an urban myth-it NEVER HAPPENED.

I have to admit, on my personal development path I bought hook line and sinker into this compelling story. So did just about everyone else that was striving to improve their lot in life.

Let me make one thing clear: Goals ARE powerful tools for accomplishing more than you would have without them, but only if you are able to avoid the deadly mistake that almost everyone makes, and we’ll get to that in a moment.

First, though, take a moment to consider all of the things in your life that you have accomplished, things you are proud of, that you didn’t have a goal about. As you begin to look at your life in detail, you’ll see that some of your greatest accomplishments did not spring forth from a written goal- you just did what had to be done and accomplished them.

Next, ( and this can be a little depressing:) think about all of the things you did set goals for, but that you never even came close to achieving. If you’ve been a “goal setter” for many years, don’t think about this for too long, because this list, for most people, is longer than they would like.

I remember the day in February of 1986, when I was notified that I had been issued my license; I was now an officially licensed insurance agent in the State of Missouri. What I couldn’t have known at the time, was that my internal state was about to become a “state of misery”.

I had decided to sell insurance after I saw the kind of money a few of my friends were making. They were buying new cars, wearing new suits, and cashing checks for a week that were bigger than what I was making all month. I had a burning desire to have that kind of income in the near future.

 There were two major problems with that goal. First, it focused on income. Second, I was thinking only of the future. In a moment you’ll see just how these two slip ups are responsible for millions of well meaning people feeling depressed and frustrated each year.

Most people, when establishing their goal, focus on how they will feel, how happy, how rich, how content, how ecstatic-you name it- after they have accomplished their goal. They rationalize “If I pick something very rewarding, something that will really be worth having in the future, I’ll be able to endure anything I have to get there.” Almost everyone is overly optimistic about their ability to do things in the future. What they forget about, however, is that the future is only a concept, a thought, and that the only thing that ever truly exists is NOW, the present moment. Life is one present moment after the other from cradle to grave.

If the goal you pick is one that will not allow you to feel inspired, driven, excited, and invigorated in every present moment between right now and the achievement of your goal, then you have picked the wrong goal.

From now on, when you are about to write down a goal, ask “How will having this goal impact my ‘right now’s’?” “Will having this goal cause me to wake up each day and feel excited to jump out of bed and get started?” “Will having this goal cause me to have to pry myself away from it each night to go to bed?” If the answer is “Yes!” press on. If the answer is “No!” move on.

I’ll never forget the day that I realized what a bunch of malarkey “affirmations” were. Oh, believe me, I’ve done my fair share, and, I have discovered a rare situation where they are perhaps beneficial, but in almost every arena that affirmations are promoted, they are not only an utter and complete waste of time, they indicate something far more serious.

If you have to use affirmations to get yourself to do the things necessary to accomplish your goal, scrap that goal, and go back to the drawing board. Do you think that Edison had to do affirmations to spend 20 hours at a time in his lab? Do you think the Wright brothers did affirmations to get pumped up so they could work on their “flying machine”? Do you think Bill Gates was doing affirmations when he ditched college to pursue his work with computers? Of course, the answer is “Absolutely not!”

It’s not my “goal” to write every day. I don’t do affirmations that say “I like to write, I like to write, I like to write…” I write because some years ago, I finally connected with my core drives in life. Once I did this, it all became rather effortless by comparison. Writing, speaking, teaching, training and coaching-all things that enrich the lives of others, this is what I excel at doing. That’s what I am passionate about doing. So, that’s what I do. It’s really just as simple as that. To the degree that you need to use willpower, affirmations and “rah, rah” motivation to do what you are doing, you are out of alignment with your purpose.

If what I am saying is true, then why would we even want to have a goal then? That’s a good question, and fortunately, there is also a good answer.

For example, some of my current goals are to write at least 10 more books, create 20 more audio programs and live for a few days, nearly nude, with tribesmen in the Amazon, eating what they eat, and hunting with them each day. I don’t need affirmations.  See, I can’t not write each day. I feel compelled to write, to speak, and to share my ideas with others. The only reason I write down a goal is to help me map out my “how’s” and to stay on course. If the desire isn’t already burning within, I don’t even bother to waste my time calling it a goal. If I did, I would wind up, like so many, trying desperately to harness enough motivation to take action.

I was once on an airplane sitting next to a gentleman who was known for his ability to come on board and turn a struggling company into a booming business. I asked him “How do you motivate your people?” He replied “I don’t; I just hire motivated people!” I just smiled. He too, knew the secret I had just recently discovered. He had just figured it out a long time before I did.

Here’s a simple formula for determining whether or not your goal is one you should keep, or one you should dump NOW:

Whatever your goal is, notice how it makes you feel right NOW, about the things you’ll have to do to achieve that goal.

For example, if you desire to be a physician, forget about how you’ll feel after you’re a doctor. That’s irrelevant. The only thing you should be concerned with is how you feel when you think about NOW, and how you’ll feel in all of those “Now’s” that will have to take place before you are a doctor. If sitting in the classes that you’ll need to take won’t feel as exciting to you as the thought of being a doctor, run the other way as fast as you can; I don’t want you to be a doctor. You might wind up like tens of thousands of other doctors that after having started their practice, find that they really picked the wrong career. I don’t like doctors like that operating on me!

The doctor I want to deal with is the one that was intrigued with, and enjoyed every step of the way; the one that couldn’t wait to get to class each day. Are there doctors like this? Yes. I was in the hospital environment for 5 years, and I’ve met several. Sadly, I’ve met far more that are only doctors now, because they were chasing the dream, instead of asking “How does this goal make me feel NOW?” at the very beginning.

Forget about what other people think you should do. Forget about what society or your culture says you should do. There is only one path that you should take; the path for anyone is the path that they want to walk on. When you take this path, you’ll stand the greatest chance of contributing to others in a significant way. And, remember, we can only be successful to the degree that we are delivering value to others. The more value we deliver, and the more people we deliver it to, the more successful we become.

© Copyright 2009-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Vincent Harris is the author of The Productivity Epiphany

www.VinceHarris.com

Grab Vince’s book at www.TheProductivityEpiphany.com

Increasing Productivity – Develop This Time Management Skill

The unwillingness to say “No!” to the requests of others when you are already stretched thin can lead to undue stress, and ultimately, a rapid decline in productivity. When working with a client who has told me “I just can’t tell people ‘No’!” I look at them and say, “I know what will help, trust me. Take all of your clothes off, now, and go stand on the street corner for 5 minutes; that’s a sure fix.”

At first, they nervously laugh. However, after I repeat the request, again, with the same degree of seriousness, they inevitably say “NO! I am not willing to do that Vince!” I just smile and say “You just told me ‘No’!”

While this may initially seem like a twisted game, I have found it to be a prerequisite for success with the client. If I simply attempt to convince them that they can develop the confidence to say “No”, they’ll likely resist. If I am successful, it will take longer than necessary.

By putting them in a bind, however, where they have no choice but to say “No”, and to have them say this to the person they had, just moments before told that they couldn’t say “No”-me-I have provided them with irrefutable evidence that they can, in fact say “No”.

With this faulty and self-limiting belief about their ability obliterated, we can then move forward, using other techniques to quickly “wire in” the behavior of saying “No” to the time robbers in their life.
Also, keep in mind, that whenever you say “Yes” to something, you have simultaneously said “No” to everything else.

For example, if someone asks me to attend a function at 6:30 pm on Tuesday, and I agree, I have just said “No” to everything else I could have possibly been doing at that time. If I know that my daughter has a t-ball game at 6:30 pm on Tuesday, it’s very easy for me to tell anyone “No” about anything else they want me to do. Because I stay very much aware that every “Yes” carries with it, a much wider array of “No’s”, I am very careful about what I decide to say “Yes” to when it comes to the requests of others.

When I begin by saying “No”, however, I have immediately cleared that space, or kept it open at the very least, for other things that may later prove to be more important. I have found it much easier to start with “No” and later change my answer to “Yes”, than the other way around.

© Copyright 2009-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Vincent Harris is the author of The Productivity Epiphany.

www.VinceHarris.com

Grab a copy of Vince’s book at www.TheProductivityEpiphany.com

Success Factors: What Does Wilderness Survival Have to Do with Being Successful?

There is one you can count on one thing in life; things are seldom going to work out like you had planned. This does not mean you cannot become successful. I did not say that you won’t be able to achieve your goals, but the path you take to most of them won’t be the one you had planned. In fact, Dwight David Eisenhower once said “In preparing for battle, I have found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensible.”

“In preparing for battle, I have found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensible.”

-Dwight David Eisenhower

Eisenhower had learned the hard way that even the most brilliant battle plan was going to go all to hell the moment they encountered the enemy. Why then, would he, or anyone else, take the time to create a battle plan to begin with? Eisenhower knew that unless he took the time to form a battle plan, he would never be forced to think about the almost unlimited number of things that could go wrong, causing him to deviate from his plan.

Because he had engaged in the process of planning (make that thinking) while he was formulating his plan, he had in mind, plan B’s, C’s and D’s. Then, the moment his plan was shattered, he would most likely know what the best alternative would be. Those who engage in nothing but “positive” or “Pollyanna” type thinking, refusing to consider what could go wrong, often find themselves shell shocked, having no idea what to do next, when their well crafted plan has gone awry.

Ultimately, It’s not the Plan that Is Valuable, It’s the Planning that Matters Most

Some people would say that considering what could go wrong is negative and should be avoided at all costs. I would say that someone who refuses to consider, and then develop contingency plans for the things that could go wrong (because they will) is just stupid. Some people have benefitted from the movie, and later, the book The Secret.

Those that Think Only of What They Want to Happen are Frequently Caught Off Guard; They Refuse to Use One Critical Success Factor

Others, however, have become the equivalent of the mindless zombies that were created by the Rev. Jim Jones in Guyana, thinking that all they have to do is think about what you want with enough desire, and everything they desire will somehow materialize in their life.  When followers of The Secret complain that they are thinking constantly about what they desire, but it’s still not showing up, they are told that they just aren’t thinking about it with enough emotional intensity, because when they do, it will arrive. If that were the case, then I and every other teenage boy would have had a harem of naked, blonde haired and blue eyed Swiss women to answer our every beck and call. Clearly, that was not the case.

Tom Brown is the author of America’s bestselling wilderness series. In Tom Brown’s Field Guide: Wilderness Survival, Tom suggests that we get into the habit of always asking ourselves questions about what we might encounter in a survival situation. Questions like “What if I lose my lighter and I need to start a fire?” “What if its cold and it’s too windy to get a fire started, and hypothermia is only 30 minutes away?” When you have already thought about  questions like these, and have workable answers firmly seated in your head, not only will your confidence level soar, but if the time comes when you do face that situation, there won’t be any decision to make- you’ll just do it.

How much more confidence would you have if you developed the habit of planning/thinking about what you might encounter, and developing a backup plan if that situation occurs? More than you know.

The key with using this approach is to keep your goal fixed out in front of you. When people allow this approach to turn “negative”, it’s only because they allow the thoughts of what could go wrong to shut them down. Instead of immediately coming up with a strategy to effectively deal with these temporary setbacks, they get scared, forget about the goal, and then…well, you know the rest.

Stop plowing blindly into your ventures thinking “everything will be fine!” and refusing to consider the “obstacles” you will encounter. Know that you will experience things you’d rather not, and, that you’ll be able to move through, around, under, or over them, because you already know what you’ll do, if they do in fact occur.

Become a Successful Quitter

I’ve reached the point in my life, that once I’ve decided to do something, it will happen- period. I realize there are many variables I don’t control, like how long it will take, what strategy I’ll use etc. But I have accepted that. Will there be goals that you set, that, somewhere along the way, you determine are no longer meaningful to you, so you abandon them? Of course. That’s what I call being a successful quitter. If you’d like more on that idea I would urge you to read Seth Godin’s The Dip. To continue on a path that no longer has “heart” is foolish, but walking away from something that no longer inspires you is usually the smartest thing you can do. Quitting, however, something that still has “heart” just because you start to doubt yourself is just plain wimpy.

Begin today, as Tom Brown suggests, asking yourself questions about the kinds of things you had always been told to “not think about.” As your confidence grows, you’ll know you’ve embarked on a new way of thinking-one that makes your journey through life much more fulfilling.

© Copyright 2009-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Vincent Harris is the Author of The Productivity Epiphany, and the CEO of Harris Research International.

www.VinceHarris.com

Grab his book at www.TheProductivityEpiphany.com

Motivation and Success Secrets: When Sharing Your Goals with Others Can Backfire

Almost every book on success or personal development that I’ve ever read promoted the idea of sharing your goals with others. For some of my clients, I suggest they do this. For others, having them share their goals would only guarantee failure. As I have always said, nothing is “good” or “bad”; it is useful or not, depending on the context and variables involved. In this case, the primary variable that determines whether sharing a goal is useful, or not, is the individual.

One way to do a quick self-assessment to determine whether sharing your goals would be a good idea is to think about the answers to the following questions:

·         Do you tend to be a polarity responder? (feel compelled to do the opposite of what someone wants or suggests-and are more inclined to be this way as your stress level rises)

·         Do your friends and family members consider you to be “hard headed”?

·         When you feel “pushed” do you automatically and unconsciously “push back”?

·         Do you recognize a tendency to not do things that would be in your best interest, just because someone suggested that you should?

If you found yourself nodding “yes” to most of those questions, then sharing your goals is probably not a good idea. Why? The moment what I call a “polarity responder” tells someone “Hey, I just wanted you to know, I’m going to go back to school and get my college degree” for example, they have unconsciously set “dark” inner forces in motion that will cause them to resist every step of the way.

Even though it is a goal they have decided on- something they want- the moment they tell other people, they have created the very feeling of obligation they so despise. Because they now feel that the people they have shared their goal with are expecting something of them (whether it is true or not-and it’s usually not) they feel compelled to resist the perceived expectations and obligations. What’s the only way they can resist? Sabotage their plan of action for success, or the accomplishment of their goal.

My life changed overnight when I recognized this pattern in myself some years ago. Is this pattern still present in my life? You better believe it. The fastest way to kick me into high gear (or anyone that is a polarity responder) is to tell me I can’t do something. Fortunately, someone once told me I would never write a book. My book has been selling well since December, and they’re probably still spending their time telling other people what they’ll never be able to do. The key for a “hard headed” polarity responder is making sure they are employing “useful” methods for motivation; methods that will allow them to “resist” all the way to the bank- and that’s the kind of “resisting” I like.

If you are a polarity responder, or recognize aspects of this kind of self sabotage in your own behavior, please know you are not “doomed”. In fact, once you have harnessed your inner resources, you’ll likely move forward at a rate that is considerably faster than your non-polarity responder friends.

The key with goals, in this situation, is to “own” them until you have achieved them. Meaning, once you know what your goal is, write it down, acknowledge it, and then…keep your mouth shut!

Resist the urge to share them with your friends, family, and co-workers. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is, to only reveal your goal, after you have already achieved it. Naturally, this jerks the rug out from underneath those who always took such pleasure in shooting your goals down before they ever took flight. Once you’ve experienced the joy that comes from seeing the shock on the face of the naysayers, as they look at the undeniable evidence of your accomplishment, you’ll be hooked on this method for life.

© Copyright 2009-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Vincent Harris is the author of The Productivity Epiphany and the CEO of Harris Research International.

www.VinceHarris.com

Join Vince’s Free Newsletter at www.VinceHarris.info

You can get your copy of his book at www.TheProductivityEpiphany.com

 

Self-Esteem: A Crucial Step to Being Emotionally Free

Day after day we see men and women who are willing to do anything if their spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend will come back to them after a break-up, separation or divorce. The bottom line? Their once significant other no longer wants them. Imagine, there are adults out there who are willing to change everything about themselves, just so they can somehow convince someone that no longer likes, loves or cares for them to get back together with them. Is there anything that shouts “spineless loser” any louder than this to those who are watching this madness unfold? I think not.

I have to admit; twenty years ago I was a “spineless loser”! That’s right. The love of my life disappeared one day after a seven year relationship, and I thought my world had ended. Sadly, had there not have been friends and family around to watch me, it might have. Once the dust had cleared, I knew I never wanted to allow myself to become so needy and clingy again, but I had no idea how to be sure I could pull it off.

One day in April of 1990, I discovered a quote by an old sage by the name of Vernon Howard. It said “Nothing you can fear losing can be the true source of your happiness.”

Something about that resonated with something deep down inside of me, but at the same time, my conscious mind was screaming “NO! That can’t be!!” Day after day, I ran one scenario after another through my mind, comparing it to Howard’s quote. No matter what I thought of, be it my parents, my dog, my baseball card collection, my friends- it didn’t matter- I always came to the same conclusion: Vernon Howard was right.

I realized that if my happiness was in my parents, or my friends, for example, then I would only be able to be happy as long as they were alive. If my parents and best friends were suddenly wiped out in a bus wreck, and they were my happiness, then I would no longer be able to experience joy and happiness again. Not only did I not like the sound of that, but all I had to do was look around me to see irrefutable evidence to the contrary.

Every neighborhood, every town, every state, and every country in the world, is teeming with examples of people who have lost everything and everyone they loved or cherished, who have then gone on to live fruitful, meaningful and joyful lives.

Here is something you might not have considered before. Your marriage will either end in death or divorce. That’s it, there is no other way. The statistics on divorce aren’t so good. More marriages end this way than those that don’t.

Not married? Like it or not, there is a very strong possibility that the person you love, who now loves you, may one day move on to greener pastures. When they do, it is critical that you realize that they are not now, and never were the source of your happiness. They were just someone who you enjoyed sharing your experience of happiness with. The joy, and feelings that you identify as “happiness” come from within- you generate them.

Once you truly understand this, you’ll be in a position to remain stable and on solid inner footing when someone temporarily turns your external world upside down.

Let others spend their time crawling on their belly like a snake back to their ex, begging like a starving man for a piece of bread. Not you though. If they don’t want you, you’d be better off finding someone that does. In the meantime, take some time to get to know the “you” that you’ve never been properly introduced to- the strong you.

© Copyright 2009-Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

Vincent Harris is the author of The Productivity Epiphany, and the CEO of Harris Research International.

www.VinceHarris.com

Join Vince’s weekly newsletter at www.VinceHarris.info

You can get your copy of Vince’s book at www.TheProductivityEpiphany.com